I am so over it...

I am exhausted and emotional today, but I have promised to always be real on this blog.  So here goes... We have hit a roadblock.  There is a glitch in Ch*na's system that seems to only randomly hit some, while others glide through untouched.  We got hit... Our second match was a surprise and came super late, but it looked like her paperwork could be rushed through to catch up with her big brothers.  Things were going well, Pre-approval took longer than it should have, but we were moving.  Now along with some other families Ch*na is saying they have a rule change, funny this new rule only effects some people. There are other families in China and going to China soon with the same scenario as us , and they did not have to comply with this new rule.  The problem is, someone is messing up and assigning separate numbers to our second match, this should not be, they should have the same number as our first match.  Because of this it looks in the system like we need a second dossier.  Which means backtracking and adding on several months and a lot more money in courier and authentication fees.  Our agency is fighting this, but so far they aren't budging.  We cannot continue to watch the amount we owe grow, while fundraisers fail miserably.  I know I sound whiney, I know I seem weak... and today that's exactly how I feel.  I am sad and angry and disappointed.  I don't know why every single step has to be so hard,  I ache because my children are growing up without me.  My son will be 5 in April,  I want him home before they baby is all gone and the boy fully emerges. He has no language at all and has never heard a sound.  Everyday that passes without him being given words is increasing the struggle he will have to learn and catch up.  My daughter is in need of intervention for her hearing, and every second lost is precious time her brain can never get back.  Most hearing professionals see 2 as the window for a child to get the most benefit from aides/ surgeries, ect.   Most of all they need family, they need to know and be told they are priceless.

Heres the worst part, today I am sad and angry at God... (gasp... really, no she didn't... how dare she)  I have prayed and prayed and I know He hears me and sees.  I know He has the power to move mountains, He has the ability to connect us to the right people and resources to get us fully funded, yet He is silent. I am angry that people who love God are more concerned about saving a building than the lives of two precious children.  I am angry that people who say they love me and my kids would rather sit around and pass judgement on us because they don't agree with who or what or how or where we are adopting/ fund raising, and that those same people won't do anything to help.  Funny it is always the people on the sidelines who are criticizing the ones in the game. 

Ultimately here is what I know.  I am not God.  I cannot see what He sees, nor know what He knows.  I know that even though I get hurt/angry/disappointed at Him,  I will always ALWAYS choose to trust Him.  I know that in the end I will hold my babies, even if it is longer and harder than I want or feel I can handle.  I know that every moment, every tear, every heartbreak is worth it.  Because Elijah and Eva are worth it!  They are valuable and precious and priceless, just like every other child.  I now that God has placed beautiful wonderful people in my life, and I will cry on their shoulder, and their prayers will carry me through, and I will rise... dust myself off and go on to fight again. 

Elijah and Eva, Mommy and Daddy promise you this... We will succeed, we will get the funds somewhere somehow, and we will bring you home. 

God,  I choose to trust you, past the fear, and the pain and the anger.  You are my Father, and I know you love me, and my babies (even more than I do)... I will never let go of your hand.

Kathy

Beautiful disappointment.

As we prepared for our benefit concert last night,  we were blessed to meet some of the most Godly kindhearted people.  For those who don't know, we were contacted by a group from the cowboy church in Tyler that had seen our news story on KLTV.  They wanted to help us raise funds by doing a benefit concert.  We set a date, reserved the church, printed flyers and they began to advertise.The list of artist, some well known and some we hadn't heard of grew.  I had no idea what to expect, but I was thankful for there generosity.  David went down to the church at two, Howard (Dean) was there and they helped set up, all the artist were there, looking wonderful, and very prepared.  They did their sound checks and went over order.  The night was set, they were prepared and they prayed. I was impressed.  I was excited.  I was nervous.  We have met disappointment before, and I was concerned that these new friends who had given freely of their time and their hearts would have to witness that kind of disappointment.  My Sister and her hubby, and my Mom and Aunt Helen were with us, ready to help do whatever was needed. Barbara (Arent) was also there, she had been helping set up and she was staying. All that was left to do was wait.

Doors opened at 5... no one was waiting.
I tried not to check the time. I tried to cling to hope
But time came and went
5:15 no one
5:30  still no one
At this point I am feeling physically ill
5:45 not one single car, not one foot on the stairs, nothing but a huge empty sanctuary.

I am going to be completely honest, even though the enemy is whispering in my ear, that people will just pity us, and that it will only make things worse., and even though I am embarrassed. When you plan things like this you do your best not to think, not to let yourself hope for any set number, every time those thoughts come, you close your eyes and cling to God, you tell Him you trust Him no matter the outcome. You remind Him of the conversation you had with Him about Him having to be the one to do this, because we cannot. But when 5;45 rolls around and no one is there... not the friend you new from high school, not the people who have known you since you were a child, not the friends and family you sit next too in church every Sunday and Wednesday.  Most of them don't even bother to make excuses anymore, they just ignore the entire thing as if it doesn't apply to them.  I get it, this is our choice, it is something we took on, and it is not your "responsibility"... or maybe that isn't true... but that is between you and God.

So by 5;50 I was alone in a long hallway fighting back the tears, reeling with emotion, on the verge of losing it.  I was ashamed and sad and embarrassed to face these artist that had given so much for us. I knew I needed to pray, I knew I needed the comfort only my Father could give.  So I said the only words I could, "God I need you,  I cannot do this on my own, I need your peace and strength." Tears were shed, but peace began to fill my heart, and the sick feeling left me. My hubby came and hugged me and left me with the girls to go talk to everyone.  I made my way back to where my family was sitting in the foyer, and David came and found us.  The words he spoke shocked me, "they want to do this, they are ready to start". What? Why?  My first thought was... no way... this is going to be miserable, sitting there through a whole concert thinking about it.  Then I realized, these wonderful people are here and they want to do this and I was going to give them my full attention with an open heart.  I am forever grateful I did.

The one thing you long for when adopting is support,  the arms of others around you who believe in you and what God has called you to do. The one this you fear is peoples doubt and negativity that eats away at your faith.  These strangers, became family last night.  They didn't show us pity, or feel sorry for us,  they didn't speak bitter words or question if God was with us.  They wrapped their arms and their hearts around us.  They sang as if the building was full.  They spoke words of encouragement and faith.  They were Gods hands and feet and voices.  Their songs spoke peace to us, and they truly believe God is going to bring our babies home.  I honestly feel sorry for everyone that missed it.  I wish I could bottle up the beauty and share it with every adoptive family that has ever felt alone.  We were set up by a God who knew more about what our heart needed than what dollar signs were hanging over our heads.  These artist began to tell us, they believed God prepared this night just for us.  They weren't upset that they gave up time with their families, time they could have spent doing other important things.  They were happy and cheerful and honestly glad to be there.  I will never be able to put into words what that meant, or what it felt like.  I cannot express the love I felt from them, and most of all from my Father.  That could have been the end of the story, but it isn't.  They decided to call last night a private dress rehearsal, and they are going to do this concert again, at a different location.  Sigh... beautiful disappointment... beauty God is crafting with the ashes of what I had dreamed, into something far more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.  I am so thankful... so grateful.

I don't want to forget to mention, Lisa Wyatt also joined us right after we got started, she got to witness Gods masterpiece poured out.

Details will follow about a knew date...

Kathy

Eva Meili Ferguson

I am beyond please to finally be able to post this picture.  We have preapproval and should have our LOA very soon for this gorgeous princess.  Here is the long awaited Eva Meili Ferguson....

We feel beyond blessed to have these babies in our life,   now back to work, keep praying we have a lot of money to raise and not much time to do it... but God is faithful... PRAY PRAY PRAY !!!! Elijah and Eva Daddy and Momma are coming babies!