Love is

I didn't give you the gift of life, But in my heart I know. The love I feel is deep and real, As if it had been so.

For us to have each other Is like a dream come true! No, I didn't give you The gift of life, Life gave me the gift of you. --- Unknown

Friday, November 15, 2013

I am so over it...

I am exhausted and emotional today, but I have promised to always be real on this blog.  So here goes... We have hit a roadblock.  There is a glitch in Ch*na's system that seems to only randomly hit some, while others glide through untouched.  We got hit... Our second match was a surprise and came super late, but it looked like her paperwork could be rushed through to catch up with her big brothers.  Things were going well, Pre-approval took longer than it should have, but we were moving.  Now along with some other families Ch*na is saying they have a rule change, funny this new rule only effects some people. There are other families in China and going to China soon with the same scenario as us , and they did not have to comply with this new rule.  The problem is, someone is messing up and assigning separate numbers to our second match, this should not be, they should have the same number as our first match.  Because of this it looks in the system like we need a second dossier.  Which means backtracking and adding on several months and a lot more money in courier and authentication fees.  Our agency is fighting this, but so far they aren't budging.  We cannot continue to watch the amount we owe grow, while fundraisers fail miserably.  I know I sound whiney, I know I seem weak... and today that's exactly how I feel.  I am sad and angry and disappointed.  I don't know why every single step has to be so hard,  I ache because my children are growing up without me.  My son will be 5 in April,  I want him home before they baby is all gone and the boy fully emerges. He has no language at all and has never heard a sound.  Everyday that passes without him being given words is increasing the struggle he will have to learn and catch up.  My daughter is in need of intervention for her hearing, and every second lost is precious time her brain can never get back.  Most hearing professionals see 2 as the window for a child to get the most benefit from aides/ surgeries, ect.   Most of all they need family, they need to know and be told they are priceless.

Heres the worst part, today I am sad and angry at God... (gasp... really, no she didn't... how dare she)  I have prayed and prayed and I know He hears me and sees.  I know He has the power to move mountains, He has the ability to connect us to the right people and resources to get us fully funded, yet He is silent. I am angry that people who love God are more concerned about saving a building than the lives of two precious children.  I am angry that people who say they love me and my kids would rather sit around and pass judgement on us because they don't agree with who or what or how or where we are adopting/ fund raising, and that those same people won't do anything to help.  Funny it is always the people on the sidelines who are criticizing the ones in the game. 

Ultimately here is what I know.  I am not God.  I cannot see what He sees, nor know what He knows.  I know that even though I get hurt/angry/disappointed at Him,  I will always ALWAYS choose to trust Him.  I know that in the end I will hold my babies, even if it is longer and harder than I want or feel I can handle.  I know that every moment, every tear, every heartbreak is worth it.  Because Elijah and Eva are worth it!  They are valuable and precious and priceless, just like every other child.  I now that God has placed beautiful wonderful people in my life, and I will cry on their shoulder, and their prayers will carry me through, and I will rise... dust myself off and go on to fight again. 

Elijah and Eva, Mommy and Daddy promise you this... We will succeed, we will get the funds somewhere somehow, and we will bring you home. 

God,  I choose to trust you, past the fear, and the pain and the anger.  You are my Father, and I know you love me, and my babies (even more than I do)... I will never let go of your hand.


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