Love is

I didn't give you the gift of life, But in my heart I know. The love I feel is deep and real, As if it had been so.

For us to have each other Is like a dream come true! No, I didn't give you The gift of life, Life gave me the gift of you. --- Unknown

Monday, December 9, 2013

Waiting and waiting and being reminded about who God is and who I am to him.

Ok so....  so little and so much has been going on since my last blog.   We have been waiting for Article five pickup and then on to TA wait for Elijah.  This part is usually a whirl wind and goes very quickly, and is normally very exciting.  For us this time has been very hard,  as Eva's LOA has been stuck in this new rule China has instituted due to some issues with the new system, and a very ugly article published about rehoming.  It is a horrible thing (rehoming) when it is done underground and incorrectly.  So it caused quite a stir.  I cannot imagine ever letting one of my children go no matter how bad things got.  maybe that is because I have walked through some really tough stuff with our birth children. I would die before I gave one of them up.  Anyway... that said, we were stuck... we submitted everything China wanted and then waited... and waited.  It felt as though we would be walking through a long wait for Eva's LOA.  There was also a change in leadership in Ch*na. It has been so very hard emotionally, couple that with an all out attack from the enemy to destroy my hope and faith, and you have a recipe for sadness and hopelessness.

Now let me tell you the other process that I have been walking through.  I am going to very open and honest and real with you.  I have always had this nagging voice (I know it is the enemies voice) every time things go south in my life,  telling me I am just not good enough for God to bless me like that.  I grew up in a "christian world" that sort of fed that belief.  If you were seen as good enough you were honored and uplifted and the things you felt called to do were supported. If you were family, or a close friend, or super talented, but if not, then you were ever so lovingly shoved back into the box you were good enough for.  You got the smiles and the head nods when you shared what you felt God wanted you to do, but you could see through there eyes the questioning heart.  "Did you really pray about this?" The doubt "I don't think God is telling you that" and the "I am not sure that is a good idea".  Oh those words would never dare be spoken to you.  But they were there, and even spoken to others about you when you weren't there.  You can feel it when others have faith in you,  when they are with you when you leap, and with you if you fall.  I say all of that so say, we moved across country and found our selves in a strange new world,  full of people who all looked different and felt different and came from different places but were standing shoulder to shoulder doing Gods work (and just to clarify this was not a perfect world).  We were invited to step in beside them,  and it changed me.  I didn't need the fiery sermon or the fancy worship song,  I didn't need to be good enough because it doesn't matter how good you are if you are handing someone a loaf of bread, or supporting a missionary, or helping a family make an orphan a son.  I watched in awe as God birthed beautiful ministries from unlikely places. I walked through and dealt with the ugliness of judgment in my own heart.  I also learned I would never allow myself to be put into a religious box again... I wish I could say I have held strong to that.  Honesty requires a different answer.  We have found ourselves feeling exactly like that at different times over the last couple years, and I found myself making the same excuses, I also found I was believing those old familiar lies.  So here we stand today,  taking some bold and scary steps at the worst possible time, and trusting that God will walk with us and before us.  Trusting that every penny to bring our kids into our home will come in.  Funny because with those steps and the fear,  I can feel a new sense of freedom growing in my heart.  I can feel my faith beginning to rise from the ashes.  I can see that the dust is clearing and my babies faces are coming into view again.  I don't know exactly where this road will lead,  but I know for sure that we are watching hard for the Fathers footprint in front of us to know where to place our foot with the next step.  I feel strength welling up within me for the first time in a long time.

I must say two things... One: "Thank you Father for your faithfulness, thank you that you are always
                                       with me even when I cannot see, hear or feel you."

Two:  Don't let the words and opinions of others define you... I have done it many many times, and it is soul crushing,  and wrong.  Only God was meant to hold that place in our heart.  Only He was meant to write on the tablet of who you are.  Men will fail us, but God is faithful.

As a final note,  I am not angry as I type these words,  I have learned so many things I needed to over the last few years.  I am thankful and blessed for every person I have worked with and gotten to know.  No man is perfect,  we do our best, we fall and we learn from it.  We take on the words and actions of those before us as if they are our own, until we find our self on the other side of those words and realize they aren't so true after all.  We have also been blessed with a small group of people that through it all, have believed in us.  They carried us, and lift up or heads when we weren't sure how to go on. We are truly thankful and blessed to have each and every one of them placed in our life by of faithful Daddy.

Soooo..... today we got an email.  We have Elijah's TA (travel approval), :)  if it were just him we would be booking our flights and scheduling or consulate appointment.  However or sweet Eva's paperwork has been stalled, and as you can by the thermometer to the right we still have a lot of money to raise.  But I have faith,  an ever growing beautiful faith.  I am choosing to trust that God has the answer and He has a beautiful miracle waiting for us,  one that will glorify Him. I have no doubt He called to our hearts to do this.  Pray for us... and for our babies.  Pray they have an easy transition on what could be a very scary hard day for them,  Pray for their safety and that God will whisper of His love and ours to them while they wait.  :)  Oh and for wisdom to know what fund raisers to do and favor that they get done quickly and are blessed beyond measure.

Thank you for your love and support... I love you all


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